Tuesday, 11 April 2017
And now for something completely weird.
OK this wasn't my idea. Apparently people think it's a thing to interview a character they have written. Well I'm pretty much as clueless as one of mine, so if it ticks a box I don't mind having another conversation with myself. I mean, it's not like that doesn't happen on an hourly basis anyway, so why not write this
nonsense example of literary art down? Enjoy or not. Who cares, no-one's reading this anyway. (Buggered if I know, wanders off for a coffee...)
The following is a transcript of an interview between an unknown Alliance reporter and Dayton Bracknell shortly after Day’s arrival on the medical facility known as LMED-1 on the moon. The original video footage has thankfully since been lost.
Reporter: Dayton Bracknell thank you for joining us. You’re in charge of Lunar Medical 1 on Urm. Tell me, what’s the weather like up there?
Day: Huh? Um…well…as you can imagine we don’t get to go outside the medical facility much on account of the lack of atmosphere. However I’m pleased to announce that life support is functioning at 100% throughout the facility, which is obviously an improvement on last week.
Reporter: It was just a joke; we wouldn’t want you all suffocating out there. What happened last week?
Day: I’m afraid I can’t talk about that.
Reporter: What can you tell me about the work that the medical team is undertaking.
Day: Absolutely nothing.
Reporter: There must be something you can tell us.
Day: No seriously, I don’t have a clue what they’re doing.
Reporter: You are in charge of the entire facility and yet you have no idea what the facility does?
Day: Correct. I manage logistics. Call me the Clueless Guy in Charge. I’m only here temporarily while everyone technical sorts everything…er technical out. Then I’ll be back down on the planet with you guys.
Reporter: Speaking of coming back to the planet, you were in the news a few months ago after a fire incident at a certain club, where a number of high profile Alliance leaders were videoed emerging from the building in various states of undress and curious costumes, wielding implements I cannot mention on air. Can you comment on that?
Day: …I…um…I’m just here on Urm managing requests between the scientists and the Alliance, scheduling the transports that bring the kit up and making sure project codes are worked on in order.
Reporter: You gained quite a reputation for your exploits at the club, how long have you yourself been a member?
Day: …and when the work codes are complete I make sure that the next transport is on its way from the planet with the correct gear to complete the next work order. I don’t know what’s involved in each work order, I just have lists of equipment needed and codes. I have lots of codes. And plenty of words I don’t understand. Lots of words.
Reporter: Are any of those safe words?
Reporter: Is it true that you were one of the first members of the club to be awarded the coveted Perpetual Thrust Membership?
Day: Yeah I was, I…I mean, I can tell you that we are experimenting with sustainable food substitutes. We have made some progress in this; the last batch didn’t even make anyone ill. The… er observation deck with the recreation area isn’t complete yet, but despite this, morale is excellent on the base. Part of my job is to make sure the personnel don’t go mad…er to make sure they are happy to live and work here. I schedule social events and the occasional party during downtime, nothing extravagant.
Reporter: Are any of these parties like the ones at the club?
Day: We recently installed a substitute ice cream machine on the lower obs deck. That has proven quite popular.
Reporter: OK I can tell you don’t want to talk about the infamous Bracknell sexploits. What would you say is your biggest achievement on the base to date?
Day: I know how to change the temperature setting on the vending machines now.
Reporter: Dayton Bracknell, thank you for that insight into the lives of the personnel on Urm.
I see me bloody everywhere! I'm spluttering my way through a stinking cold at the moment. I have to admit it's a damn sight better...
The first of two interviews this week is with Louann Carroll. Let us delve into the depths of some of my favourite genres-paranorm...
Did you miss me? It's OK to lie if you didn't. Today you will be relieved to know that you are going to hear from someone other than...